


Bubblegum Blood

by AmayaWolfe



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Circus, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Gore, Panic, Slurs, Teacher-Student Relationship, Trapped in Nightmares, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Violence, accidental/unintentional suicide, rot/decay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:08:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmayaWolfe/pseuds/AmayaWolfe
Summary: 12 year old Sadashi Ito and her five sisters where born and raised in a small village south east of Glam Gas Land. Her life was that of simple farm life just outside a village surrounded by thick forests and enormous mountains. It would have been a pretty good life, if it wasn't for her abusive father, neglectful mother, and horrific older sisters. Sadashi has learned to live with the beatings, and take it one day at a time. That is, until dark thoughts start to go through her mind. A voice whispers inside her head, urging her to spill blood. Sadashi fights the mental battle alone, feeling she can trust no one, not even her younger sisters. An unexpected source of support comes with the arrival of a traveling performance troupe in the form a pale, red haired teenager. Will he be enough to keep The Voice from consuming Sadashi's mind and sending her down the path of a killer?
Relationships: Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter)/Original Character(s), Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter)/Original Female Character(s), Hisoka/Other(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	1. A Circus On The Move

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to put in a bit of a disclaimer for this book. Some of the characters (such as Abaki and Morintonio) are from Ishida Sui's one shot origin story for Hisoka. The one shot is not canon, but Togashi has stated that he really liked it. And obviously I do not own Hisoka as he and the Hunter x Hunter world belong to Togashi. Please support these original creators! ^_^

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morintonio’s Traveling Circus has reached their docking destination and they are more than ready to be back on land. Among them, a familiar red haired teenager as well as one of his friends.

It was a beautiful day in the large port town of Dolle. Hardly a cloud in the sky as the sun shone down bright and strong atop the crowds of people that congested the streets below. The sounds of so many going about their daily business were accompanied by that of natural sounds of the surrounding area. Gulls would cry out while fish salesmen discussed prices of the day's catch and draft animals would low as the wheels of the carts they pulled crunched along the ground.

Several ships would come and go throughout the day bringing in and shipping out an unimaginable variety of both goods and people. Ships would even bring in entertainment. Entertainment such as "Moritonio's Traveling Circus''. 

The troupe consisted of amazing acrobats, wise fortune tellers, brave beast tamers, and mystifying magicians; just to name a few. They were all led by a mysterious man, Moritonio, whose skills in the performing arts left countless avid yet baffled fans. They had traveled throughout most of the lands of the Esanian Continent, gaining the reputation and funds they needed to travel to the Yorubian Continent. There, dreams of making it big in the pleasure capital known as Glam Gas Land appeared to be just within reach.

The crew of the Ebon Pearl scurried about their routine to make sure their ship was ready for docking. The captain's first mate barked orders and issued threats at some of the more lazy crew members. High up in the crow’s nest a young man in his mid-teens was watching the activities below with alert and curious eyes of amber. 

Having only been taken in a little over two months ago, the teen is one of a few young trainees in the traveling circus. Morintonio and a few of the members found the poor boy half-dead on the side of the road. Feeling sorry for the unfortunate lad, the ring leader ordered for the boy to be brought back to their temporary site. There he was cleaned up, bandaged, and fed.

Thanks to the aid of another trainee, the boy had recovered quickly enough to be back on his feet in nearly a week’s time. It was a good thing, too, since by that point the troupe was ready to be on the road again. A few days travel and the young man found himself sailing south on a ship with the others. 

Movement from the shrouds just below the crow's nest drew the young man's attention. Looking down he saw a girl just a couple years younger than himself climbing up the shroud ropes with impressive ease and grace. Not all too surprising seeing she was an acrobat trainee.

As if she felt his eyes gazing down at her, the girl suddenly looked up. Her violet eyes sparkled in the bright sunlight and she flashed him a warm smile.

"Hey, Hisoka!" she greeted him kindly.

Within moments the girl was up the last bit of ropes and jumped over the edge of the crow's nest. Placing her hands on her hips she turned head this way and that to have a look about. 

"Quiet the view, I can see why you're up here so much. Guess I should have come up here sooner as well."

"Well, you can't say I didn't invite you up, Abaki. ♣" Hisoka replied nonchalantly. The girl smirked and tilted her head to the side.

"Yeah, I know, but being alone up here with you might get people talking. And last thing I need is Jasper to get jealous and have more reasons to try and hit on me." Abaki shuttered at the thought of the fire-breather trainee that was always trying to get her to go out with him.

"You know,~" Hisoka replied coolly; a sly and knowing grin forming on his face, "you could have brought that friend of yours. What was her name again? Camilla? ♢"

Even though Abaki's warm caramel skin had darkened under the sun's rays while out at sea, Hisoka could still make out the blush forming on his friend's cheeks as she looked away from his taunting amber eyes. Causing Abaki to blush over her crush had become an amusing little game to Hisoka.

"I.. hadn't thought of that," the girl mumbled admittedly. 

Hisoka chuckled and looked back down to the deck below. His soft raspberry hair fluttered in the sea breeze as he leaned against the edge of the crow's nest. 

"I take it the reason you came up here is to tell me that Morintonio wants us to be ready to leave the ship soon? ♢"

"Oh!" Abaki jumps and whips her head back around towards her friend, "Yeah, I nearly forgot the reason I came up here in the first place! I was told to get you to come down and help make sure everything is ready to go. The boss wants us all of the ship within an hour of docking." 

The plan had been to have plenty of time to get stocked up and ready to head out the next morning. All the while allowing enough time for most everyone to work the streets in the evening with little side performances to make some extra travel money. Performances such as small fire shows, juggling, and tumbling acts, as well as a little magic talent. Minute street sideshows that wouldn't need a license to put on nor a full set up to get things ready and going.

"Oh, is that all? And here I was thinking you were wanting to hang out with me for a bit, ♣" the red hair boy playfully pouted. Abaki wrinkled her nose and gave him a playful shove before she started to climb over the edge of the crow's nest again.

"We could hang out more if you weren't always secluding yourself away from the others you know."

"I still get the feeling the others aren't comfortable around me,~♠" Hisoka said softly, a seriousness settling in his voice and expression. "Besides, you know I'm shy.~♠"

"I know, Hiso. But, you're just going to have to try a little harder, that's all. I like being your friend and all, but you really should try and make more." Abaki offered him a warm, lopsided grin before she started her descent back down the shrouds. "I wouldn't take to much longer up here if I was you, you don't want Borizoi to get mad at you again."

Borizoi was an absolute beast of a man who seemingly had it out for Hisoka from the start. He did not like the circumstances in which the young man had been found and actually vouched for the poor boy to be left for dead. Ever since then, Borizoi always had a cold, unforgiving eye on Hisoka.

"Don't worry," Hisoka gave his fellow trainee a smile in return, "I will be down shortly,~♣"

"Alright, see you then!" 

Abaki quickly worked her way down the ropes without a single slip up. Even some of the crewmen paused in their tasks to watch her. Some with envy, others with impressed awe. There were definitely benefits in learning how to become a tight rope walking acrobat. 

Hisoka's smile faded as Abaki climbed back down to the top deck. His friend's words echoed through his head. An all too familiar feeling began to gnaw at the back of his mind. Loneliness, and the sense that he was oddly different than most of the other troupe members. 

Often the young lad would chock the latter feeling to the fact that he was what Morintonio called a " _ nen _ user." The ring leader, Abaki, and Hisoka were the only ones in the whole circus troupe that could use their auras to do extraordinary things. And yet, while Abaki made multiple friends and got along with just about everyone in the troupe, Hisoka only really ever associated with Abaki, Morintonio, and his magician trainer, Magikana.

For reasons unbeknown to him, people often found themselves uncomfortable around Hisoka. Both Morintonio and Abaki just tried to lightly pass it off as the others just feeling uneasy due to his raw potential and ability to learn things quickly. They both insisted the others would get used to him eventually as long as he kept trying to socialize.

Magikana, or simply Kana, to Hisoka, once told him something on an utterly different level. 

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

One night, a few weeks back, he had come over and sat next to his teacher only to have the three other members that had been conversing with her stop in mid-sentence. After a few minutes, those same three members rose to their feet and left with hardly a single word more. Despite Hisoka not showing any emotion towards the happening, he had felt dejected. Kana looked down at her pupil and placed a long, boney, yet warm hand on his shoulder. She then spoke to him in her thick, accent rich voice.

"Sheep vill always be nervous round volves, no matter how convincing vool may be."

"So, what does that make you then?♣" Hisoka had asked somewhat bitterly. Kana simply flashed him and sly, toothy grin and winked.

"Is simple, I is fox!" Kana chuckled wholeheartedly. "Small enough to be little vorry for sheep. But! Still dangerous enough to cause problem if see fit."

Hisoka had smiled at Kana, she seemed to always know what to say when Morintonio didn't. 

"Alright then, sensei, what am ?~♢"

"Hmmm," Kana hummed in thought. She carefully looked Hisoka over before finally giving him an answer. "I vould say, you are much like volf. But, you is still pup. Could be fox, like me. So," Kana shrugged her slim shoulders, "sheep is scared of vaht you could be."

"Oh, I see... ♠" Hisoka had sounded intrigued; and yet, sad. "And, what about Abaki and Morintonio? ♣"

Kana let out a boisterous laugh at Hisoka's inquiries then ruffled his hair.

"I tink you vorry too much, little one. To answer question, Abaki is like dog. Many people like dog, and dog like many people. Sheep often look to dog for guidance, protection, and friendship. Dog can also get along vith volf. Volf and dog have much in common. Now, Ving Leader..."

The magician paused in thought for a moment. A far off look appeared in her eyes as she carefully mulled over her analysis of the curious man everyone knew as Morintonio.

"He is own beast," Kana had finally replied in a distant voice. "Ving Leader is loved by many, yet, he can be very dangerous man. Should alvays keep some guards up vith that man." A puzzled looked flittered across Hisoka's face.

"What makes you say that? ♣"

"Call it 'animal instinct,'" Kana chuckled lightly. "Should always listen to gut, gut vant to live as much as you do. Sometimes more so. Vaht you need, little one, is to find more volves. Or even dog, cat, or fox. Find more like you. Vill not be easy, but, vill be vorth it."

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Hisoka found himself smiling a little whenever the memory of that conversation found its way through his train of thought. Somehow, it helped ease some of the lonely feelings.

He gave a little shake of his head to bring himself back to the present. In one smooth movement, he leaped over the edge of the crow’s nest and landed onto the shroud. With agile grace and speed that would even make Abaki jealous, Hisoka made his way down to the top deck where he found some of the other troupe members who were quick to put him to work.


	2. A Glimpse of Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During some downtime before the sides shows, Abaki receives some unwanted attention from a fellow trainee she was hoping to avoid. When Hisoka steps in to help out, she sees a side of him she had never hoped to see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: harassment, mild angst, drama, mild homophobia, attempted violence

_Hisoka_

The sun had nearly set by the time the circus troupe had everything prepped and ready for tomorrow’s departure. The entirety of the troupe was settled into an inn that was accustomed to taking in large groups of people who would come in with the ships. Located near the docks, the inn had numerous rooms ranging in sizes to suit the needs of a single person or a large group.

The majority of the troupe were in the massive common area. Numerous tables and chairs were occupied causing the large room to become noisy with many boisterous conversations. 

Hisoka had taken up a quieter spot in an out of the way corner of the room. With his elbows set upon the table he rested his chin atop his slender hands and surveyed the crowd, a barely touched plate of food next to him. He was enjoying the relative piece when a sharp movement caught his sharp eye. It was Abaki.

The motion had been her retching her hand away from the tall, lanky boy that was practically on top of her. The short, oily, dark brown hair combined with the outfit of a fire-breather trainee made Jasper instantly recognizable to Hisoka. A frown formed on his mouth as he watched the two carefully. 

Even though he couldn’t hear what the two were saying, Hisoka could see that Abaki was clearly agitated. It seemed that Jasper was up to his antics again. He kept reaching over and touching her only to have his hands slapped away quickly. A swift glance around the room and Hisoka could see that everyone else was heavily preoccupied with their own meals and conversations. No one seemed to be aware of what was unfolding. That, or anyone that did notice didn’t care enough to do or say anything about it.

Hisoka’s golden amber eyes became dark as he slowly picked up the dinner knife sitting next to his plate. He carefully held the knife out of view as he returned to his resting position and waited, watching his friend and her assailant carefully. 

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

_Abaki_

“Come on, Abaki,” Jasper persisted, reaching out a hand to stroke the side of her face, “there’s no reason you can’t join me after the sideshows tonight.”

Abaki sneered at the scent of flame propellant oil lingering on Jasper’s fingers and slapped the hand away again. 

“I _do_ have a good reason. A very _simple_ reason. _I. Don’t. Want. To._ Besides,” she huffed, “I’ve already told you countless times that you’re not my type.”

The smile fell from Jasper’s face and was replaced with a scowl.

“Do you honestly think I am dumb enough to believe you’re into girls when you hang out with that red headed weirdo all the time?” he snarled. He reached his hand towards her once more and began to step forward when a sudden object whipped passed between Jasper and Abaki, embedding into the wooden post they were standing next to with a loud _thunk_. 

The two of them turned and saw that it was a dinner knife. It had been thrown so hard the knife’s blade was lodged nearly half way into the solid wood. Anger flickered across Jasper’s face and he whipped around to see who could have possibly thrown the knife.

“Who threw that?!” he demanded loudly. A few people looked up yet paid him little heed. His eyes scanned faces for a suspect. Jasper’s hands balled into tight fists upon seeing Hisoka sitting alone in the corner eating his dinner.

“You!” Abaki’s heart jumped into her throat as he shouted at the red haired boy and stormed up to him. “Did you throw that?”

Hisoka didn’t answer or even acknowledge the hot tempered young man, he simply continued staring down at his plate as he chewed what was in his mouth. Jasper slammed his fist down on the table causing Hisoka’s plate and glass to jump. 

“Leave him alone, Jasper!” Abaki shouted and attempted to pull the arm used to slam the table back. The boy ignored her, yanking his arm from her grasp he glared down at her young friend.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!”

“Hmmm?~ ♣” Hisoka casually looked up at Jasper.

“Pay attention when I’m talking to you, weirdo!” he spatt then pointed over to the embedded knife. “Did you just throw that knife at me?”

Completely unphased by Jasper’s attitude, Hisoka finishes what’s in his mouth at his own pace. He looks from the trainee over to the knife and back.

“No, I did not throw that knife at you, ♠” he replied coolly.

A snarl curled Jasper’s lips and he grabbed Hisoka by the front of his shirt.

“Liar! If you didn’t throw that knife at me then where is your knife you cut your food with, huh?”

Hisoka smirked and opened his mouth to reply only to be interrupted by another voice cutting in.

“Vaht is going on here!” Magikana was at the scene within a few strides of her long legs. Jasper instantly released Hisoka’s shirt and threw his hands up defensively, wincing at the fierce expression the magician glared down at him.

“Hisoka tried to attack me!” Jasper quickly accused and pointed over to the dinner knife, “He threw that knife at me!”

“He said he didn’t do it!” Abaki defended, shoving Jasper aside, glaring at him angrily.

Magikana scowled as her gaze moved from Jasper, to the knife, back to Jasper, to Abaki, then finally landed on Hisoka. She and Hisoka locked eyes for a moment as she paused in thought. 

“Vell, little one? Did you throw knife at Jasper?”

“No mam, I did not throw a knife at Jasper, ♣” Hisoka answered calmly while retaining eye contact. An eyebrow slowly arched upwards on Magikana’s forehead and the corner of her mouth twitched ever so slightly. She watched Hisoka for a moment longer before turning back to Jasper.

“There, you see? Hisoka did not throw knife at you. You can go and leave him and Abaki alone now.”

Jasper’s jaw dropped in disbelief as he looked back and forth between the magician and her trainee. After a minute anger flared in his eyes and a snarl curled his lips. 

“This isn’t over,” he said in a low, menacing tone. Before leaving, he looked back over his shoulder at Abaki, glowered at her, then turned and stormed off. 

Abaki shuddered and released a breath she hadn’t even realized she had been holding. Magikana grimaced and nodded as if agreeing to some unspoken statement from Abaki.

“Zat one is trouble,” she muttered, “is best to keep eye out for him.”

“Tell me about it,” Abaki shuddered again and rubbed her arms as though she were chilled. “He just doesn’t stop…”  
“Perhaps you should speak to Drake?” Magikana proposed, “Is Jasper’s trainer, yes?”

“It won’t help,” Hisoka interjected with a shake of his head, “Drake is worse. He actually encourages Jasper’s behavior telling him Abaki is just playing hard to get. ♠” A dark look now harbored in Hisoka’s eyes. He shoved his cold food aside and rested his folded arms on the table, looking in the direction Jasper had gone before he continued.

“I almost wish I had hit him with the knife, it would have been one less thing to worry about.~♢” 

  
“Wait!” Abaki’s head whipped around to her friend, “Are you saying you _did_ throw that knife at him?!”

“No,~” Hisoka smirked, “I threw the knife at the very pole it’s now stuck in, not at Jasper. Although, had he taken a larger step towards you when I threw it…~ ♢”

Hisoka’s words trailed off, leaving the rest to Abaki and Magikana’s imagination. The two ladies exchanged glances before Abaki hugged herself tightly and gave the magician’s trainee a concerned look.

“That’s not funny Hisoka,” she said sternly, “Jasper is an awful jerk but he doesn’t deserve to die.”

“Abaki is right,” Magikana scolded, “Killing is no joke. Should only do so if there is no other choice.”

Hisoka's eyes moved back and forth between his friend and trainer. There was an uncomfortable silence when he suddenly cracked a huge grin and waved a hand dismissively in the air.

“Of course I wasn’t serious,~” he laughed lightly, “I would never wish any harm on a fellow troupe member. ♣”

“But still,” he dropped his hand back down to the table and looked up at Magikana, “something about the matter should be done, wouldn’t you agree? ♠”  
  
The magician’s face was still stern but she nodded in agreement.

“I vill speak vith Tonio about this.” She then pointed a long boney finger at her trainee, “In meantime, you must eat and get ready for show! Meet me by docks in vun hour.”

“As you wish, sensei,~ ♣” Hisoka said, looking up at Magikana with a friendly smile. She held his gaze for a few more seconds before she turned on her heels and went up a flight of stairs that led to the rooms.

Abaki hugged herself a little tighter as she continued staring at her redheaded friend. The smile was still on his face, yet there was something off about it. It seemed a little _too_ friendly, and it didn’t reach the amber eyes that now seemed to smolder with a deep, seething anger. 

She had heard others whisper amongst themselves how they picked up on a darkness from Hisoka. That something just wasn’t right about him. Even after Morintonio explained to her that he was simply a lonely boy that was down on his luck and that she should friend him, she hesitated. Abaki had always been one to eagerly friend new people, but with Hisoka she was cautious. 

At least at first.

Abaki had been the one assigned to care for Hisoka after he was found severely injured and on death’s doorstep. Even though he seemed so sad and lonely, there was also a darkness in his eyes and his aura. But as time went on and the more her and Hisoka became friends, the less she saw or felt this darkness. He had seemed to become more stable. 

That is, except for moments like this. Moments where Abaki was clearly reminded why she had been cautious in the first place; as well as to why people tend to stay away from him. 

“It really is rude to stare like that, Abaki. I honestly do not like it. ♠” Hisoka’s voice had dropped an octave giving it a more threatening demeanor. He hadn’t moved a single muscle as he spoke, minus his smile melting away into a slight scowl. Only shifting his eyes towards her, they held a hellish, predatory glow to them.

  
“Oh! I’m sorry, I- uh,” she squeezed her eyes shut and gave her head a quick shake in attempts to straighten out her thoughts. Upon opening her eyes again she had to blink a few times in confusion. It was almost like she was looking at another person.

The hellfire had left Hisoka’s eyes and now seemed to hold a look of concern. His head was titled to the side and there was a faint smile now on his lips. He didn’t seem very threatening at all now, all the darkness and anger had simply vanished from her redhead friend.

_Did- … Did I just imagine it?_

“Eh..?” she hesitated, then flashed a warm, friendly smile to him, “Sorry about that, I was just worried. Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay, silly,~ ♡” he pointed a slender finger at his friend and twirled it in the air a little, “I should be the one asking that question. After all, that creep was messing with you more so than me. ♠”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Abaki assured Hisoka then shrugged. “As much as I hate to say this, I’m pretty much used to it now. Hopefully once Kana talks to the boss something can actually be done about it.” 

“Yes, well, hopefully that something can be done before he goes too far.~ ♣”

Abaki cringed and shivered a little at Hisoka’s dark words. She hugged herself a little again.

“Do you really think Jasper will do that?”

“Who knows,” the magician trainee replied with a shrug. “I’ve just noticed his attempts have been getting more and more… desperate.~ ♠”

He was right. Abaki had noticed what Hisoka was talking about. Jasper’s attempts to get her to go out with him were becoming more and more intense. She looked over to where Jasper now stood talking with his trainer, Drake, and a few other fire performers. Among them was a girl Abaki’s age, Camilla.

Camilla must have felt Abaki’s eyes on her because she suddenly looked up and over at her. She gave Abaki a small smile and waved. Blushing, Abaki smiled and shyly started waving back. Jasper noticed her movements, looked to see what she was doing then followed her gaze. He snarled and shielded his sister from Abaki’s view.

She instantly stopped waving and pulled her hand to her chest. Camilla reached up and jerked her brother’s arm, saying something to him in the process. A look of disgust came across Jasper’s face as he turned to face his sister. It looked like they were now arguing about something.

A pained look spread across Abaki’s face. She hadn’t meant to get Camilla in trouble with her brother. She felt tears start to prick her eyes and she furiously scrubbed them with the back of her hand.

“I should get ready for tonight,” she looked back at Hisoka who was still watching her. Her eyes fell to Hisoka’s barely touched food and added, “You should finish your dinner. You hardly ever eat! Aren’t boys your age supposed to, I don’t know, be a bottomless pit or something?”

Hisoka smirked, “So I’ve heard. I guess I just don’t have an appetite tonight. ♣”

“Yeah, well, you should eat, Hiso, you need the energy for the show.” Abaki was aware that her voice sounded how she felt, down and emotionally strained. “And don’t forget we’re to practice our _nen_ training after the show tonight.”

Hisoka simply nodded yet said nothing more. Abaki sighed, she could tell that her friend was done talking for the time being. So she gave Hisoka a wave and told him she would see him later before turning and heading up the same stairs Magikana had ascended earlier. She made sure to walk quickly and not look at anyone at the fire performers table as she hurried by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Hisoka is definitely showing some of that darker sider many of us have come to know and love, that's for sure. You can bet we'll be seeing more of that in the near future! If you enjoyed what you read and would like to see more, please be sure to slap that "kudos" button and toss in a comment, I would love to hear what you thought! ^_^


	3. The Show Must Go On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka gets ready for the side shows to be put on by the performance troupe. As he prepares, ghosts and echoes of his past come to haunt him; both threaten to drag him down into the dark depths from which they came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: violence, homophobia, homophobic slurs, mental struggle, angst, mentions of death, description of gore, suggestions of past abuse/sexual abuse/non-consensuel, emotional trauma, harsh language

_Hisoka_

Hisoka watched as his friend hurried by the group of utter human trash. A part of him wished Drake or Jasper would try something as she walked by just so he had an excuse to throw his fork next. When nothing happened he sighed in mild disappointment. 

_Disposing of those two would be a favor unto the world_ ,~ ♢ Hisoka thought to himself. His heart quickened at the thought of taking care of the matter himself. His trainer’s words on how killing should only be done if there were no other choice replayed in his head; he snickered.

 _Well, I suppose if no one else is willing to do it, then I have no other choice, now do I?~_ ♢

Glancing out the window Hisoka noticed the sun was starting to set. He decided it was best to get ready for the show and rose from his seat, leaving behind his nearly full plate of cold food. 

As he started to walk by the fire performers, Jasper quickly stuck his foot out in attempts to trip Hisoka. Having expected the trainee to pull something like this, Hisoka easily stepped over Jasper’s foot, turned, winked, blew a kiss then turned back around and continued at his own casual walking pace towards the stairs. He added a little more sway to his hips than normal just to aggravate them. The overall speed and grace Hisoka applied to the move had nearly made it look like he was doing a little dance step.

He could feel Drake, Jasper, and most likely a couple other people, burning a glare into the back of his head. The sensation caused him to smirk as he ascended the stairs.

The troupe had sleeping arrangements done so everyone shared rooms to help save money; minus Morintonio who had his own private room. Hisoka and Abaki were each assigned to rooms with accommodations to fit eight people; having a bunk bed in each corner and a table with chairs in the center. Hisoka’s roommates consisted of three other trainees and four trained adults. 

Upon entering the room he found one trainee and two adults getting ready for the shows. They glanced up at him as he entered, said nothing, and continued getting ready for their own acts. Hisoka smirked a little and went over to his assigned bunk and retrieved his travel bag. 

Having been found with nothing more than the ruined clothes on his back, Hisoka had very little when it came to personal possessions. A few changes of clothes courtesy of Magikana and Abaki, some toiletries, a pack of his favorite gum, decks of playing cards, makeup, and a special outfit for when he assisted Magikana in her magic acts.

Throwing the travel bag over his shoulder Hisoka turned and headed to one of the shared bathrooms. Upon entering he closed and locked the door behind himself and tossed his bag atop the bathroom counter next to the sink. He ran his long slim fingers through his soft red raspberry hair, took a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly. Turning his head to look into the mirror, he hesitated.

Hisoka loathed looking into mirrors and avoided them as much as possible; only using them when he needed to put on his performance makeup. He closed his eyes, licked his lips, and felt a strained smile spread across his face.

 _This is absurd_ ♠, he thought dismally to himself, _she can’t hurt you anymore. Can’t_ _lie_ _to you anymore. She’s dead, dead by your own two hands._ He balled both of his hands into tight, white knuckled fists. _And the dead can’t hurt_ _anyone_ _! There’s simply no reason to be afraid anymore._ ♣

Yet he was. Hisoka was momentarily frozen with not only fear, but disgust and guilt as well. He stood there trembling in silence for several minutes. It was the sounds of the other troupe members getting ready just outside the bathroom door that brought him back around. 

Turning his head the rest of the way and fully facing the mirror, Hisoka slowly opened his eyes. His gaze locked with the person that was staring back at him from the reflective surface. A woman with medium-long dark brown hair, fair skin peppered with freckles, a strong jaw, and a pointed nose was staring right back at the young redhead. Hisoka’s facial features closely resembled the woman’s, but the feature that was most strikingly similar were the eyes.

The woman had the exact same eyes as Hisoka. Or rather, Hisoka had the exact same eyes as the woman. The same shade of golden amber that changed in intensity depending on the mood of the bearer. They even had the same lost and lonely feelings buried deep within the warm colors. 

One thing about this woman that was difficult to miss was the dried blood splattered over her face and the horrid gash across her throat. The gash ran deep enough one could see her trachea had been split wide open. 

“Hello, mother… ♠” Hisoka whispered bitterly. Nothing changed minus a small, sad smile that touched the woman’s lips. He sighed then pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“When are you going to stop haunting me, mother? You’ve been dead for nearly half a year after all. ♣.” He took several slow, deep, calming breaths to lower his heart rate and hone in his focus.

Upon opening his eyes, the woman was gone. Hisoka let out a sigh of relief along with a small, strained laugh. When he was under severe stress, he would sometimes find it extremely difficult to be able to focus enough to get his mother to go away. Even though he didn’t believe in ghosts, Hisoka often wondered if her spirit haunted him.

Frowning slightly he studied his own features in the mirror for a moment. After a few minutes he shrugged and smirked to himself. He knew there was something not right with him, something that continuously caused him to see his dead mother every time he looked into a mirror. Regardless of the fact that he held no remorse for his past actions. Well, for the most part, anyway.

“Oh well,~ ♣” he sighed as he unzipped his travel bag, “the show must go on.~ ♢”

Hisoka rummaged around his bag and pulled out his makeup. He also pulled out a piece of strawberry flavored BungeeGum brand bubble gum. He looked at the wrapper for a moment and tilted his head to one side as he stared at the little face on the wrapper. Looking back up at the mirror Hisoka tried to mimic the smile and did an eerily realistic job of it. Such a wide smile on his face came across as somewhat disturbing. He liked it.

He unwrapped the gummy, rubbery treat and popped it into his mouth. The strawberry flavored gum was his favorite. With a small sigh of contentment he straightened out the wrapper and laid it out on the bathroom counter. Hisoka then dove back into his bag and pulled out a pair of charcoal grey velvet lycra leggings. He examined the material carefully, running his fingers over the smooth material as the shades of grey shifted in the light with each movement before setting it down.

Next, he pulled out a light pink satin tunic with closed billowy sleeves and a high collar. Following the tunic was a two button double breasted vest that ended just below his chest and was in a medium shade of pastel yellow. The vest had silvery embroidered designs and the buttons were in the shapes of playing card suits. He smirked a little as he ran his fingers on the spade, club, heart, and diamond buttons in turn. 

Playing cards had a huge significance in Hisoka's life; both for better and for worse. So he always seemed to get mixed feelings when he used playing cards and or bore their symbols. 

Hisoka changed out of his current set of clothes and put on his performance attire. After tucking in his tunic he looked back at himself in the mirror and smiled. He loved how the colors complimented his hair and eyes. He turned his body this way and that to get a better look at himself then did a full pirouette. The action amused Hisoka and caused him to giggle a little at himself. 

He particularly loved how the shirt sleeves moved with every motion of his arms. This was actually meant to draw the eyes of onlookers away from what he was doing as he performed magic tricks. Magikana had told him that the method was called “zee art of misdirection”. Although he had not known what it was called at the time, Hisoka had actually learned a lot about this art from someone else, his mother.

Shortly after he had made a nearly full recovery, Morintonio and Magikana found Hisoka shuffling a deck of playing cards. There had been some discussion as to whether or not the redheaded teen should be allowed to come along with the troupe; so upon seeing Hisoka with the cards, Morintonio had asked him if he knew any magic tricks. 

The boy simply smiled and performed a few magic tricks. Most of them were basic and simple, but he did manage to pull off a couple that impressed both the ring leader _and_ the magician. When asked about his talents, Hisoka simply replied, “My mother was a clever and talented woman.” It was then Morintonio offered for him to join the troupe and Magikana volunteered to take the boy under her wing.

Drawing his attention back to the task at hand, Hisoka opened up his makeup and glanced down at the BungeeGum wrapper he had laid out. With a steady and practiced hand he applied his eye liner and some light blue eyeshadow to compliment the pinks and yellows of his outfit. He then applied a tinted lip gloss to give his full lips both shine and color.

“And now for the finishing touches,~ ♢” he mused to himself. He leaned in close to the mirror and painted a yellow teardrop on his left cheek and a pink star on his right cheek, both just below the outer corners of his eyes. Hisoka then leaned back and admired his work. 

“Why, aren’t I just the little treat! ♡” he smiled to himself. Hisoka instantly regretted his words as a memory ripped through his mind. 

He was in a small, poorly lit room and there was a mixed scent of dirty bed sheets and alcohol. He wore nothing more than his boxers. His body trembling had not been due to him being cold, he was scared and felt horribly vulnerable. He wasn’t alone, a man stood swaying before him with a bottle in one hand. The man’s glazed eyes slowly went over the poor, nearly naked boy with the look of a predator. The man reached over to Hisoka and firmly took his chin in a rough hand, forcing Hisoka to look up at him. Hisoka shuddered as the man ran a rough thumb over his lips.

“My,” the man slurred, “aren’t chu jusht the little treat.”

Hisoka cried out and tore his vision away from the mirror. His body trembled just as it had in the memory and his breathing came out in quick, ragged breaths. Tears started to form in his eyes as he stared at the floor with his hands braced against his knees. His mind raced as he struggled to get his thoughts back under control.

“H-hey, Hisoka? You okay in there, kid?” It was one of the adults that was sharing the sleeping area. The sudden voice caused Hisoka to blink out of his traumatic trance and glance quickly around the bathroom to assure himself of where he was and that he was safe. He then jumped a little when there was a loud knock at the bathroom door.

“Hey! Hisoka! You okay?!” The man was now shouting and even sounded a little concerned as he tried the locked door knob. Hisoka wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there in that state or how long someone had been knocking at the bathroom door. 

“I’m f-fine,” Hisoka’s voice cracked. He internally cursed himself then cleared his throat. 

“I’m fine, thank you, ♡” he said in a more confident voice, “I’ll be out in a minute. ♣”

After a quick glance in the mirror to check his makeup, Hisoka threw his previous outfit and everything else into his travel bag then grabbed it and headed for the door. He unlocked it, threw it open and strode out like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. As he did so, he passed by a tall, limber man with no hair and wearing a tumblers outfit. 

The man put one hand on his hip while he rubbed his bald head with the other, watching the redheaded teen with a look of concern.

“You sure you okay, kid? It sounded like you were screaming in there.”

Hisoka suppressed a cringe, disgusted and agitated with his lack of control over himself. He looked up at the man and smiled.

“Yes, I accidentally stubbed my toe you see,~ ♠” he lied, “It just simply caught me off guard is all. ♣”

The man frowned and Hisoka could tell he didn’t believe him. But instead of pressing the matter any further, the man shrugged, grabbed a large bag filled with juggling pins, balls, and rings then headed out of the room closing the door behind him. 

As soon as the man left, Hisoka’s false smile fell away from his face and he let loose an irritated sigh. Hisoka felt as though his mental state wasn’t getting any worse, but it sure as hell wasn’t getting much better.

A sudden surge of loneliness washed over him as he secretly wished there was someone he could talk to. He did consider Abaki and Magikana to be friends, to a point, but he knew they wouldn’t understand him and would most likely ostracize him if he told them of his past. There was Morintonio, but Hisoka simply felt he did not know enough about the man to feel comfortable or safe enough to spill his dark secrets.

It began to feel as though a cold, lonely feeling of despair had coiled around him and was squeezing him tightly; so much to the point it felt like it was becoming harder to breathe. Hisoka swallowed the growing lump in his throat and wrapped his arms around himself as his shoulders started to tremble. Tears began to prick his eyes and his lower lip quivered a little. He thought of simply calling it a night and going to bed. After all, Magikana was more than capable of putting on a small sideshow all by herself.

A boisterous group out in the hallway laughed and carried on as they passed the room’s closed door. The sudden noise caused him to start and it snapped him out of his dark thoughts, allowing him to shake off some of the melancholy he was sinking into. He wanted to be a part of that, a part of the laughter and joy. He wanted people to see him and see how great and wonderful he could be. Would hiding in this room all balled up and feeling sorry for himself achieve that?

“No! ♣” he said loudly to no one other than himself, “The show must go on! And I will wow and dazzle them like no other! ♢”

With a surge of confidence and the determination not to let life bring him down, Hisoka snatched a couple packs of playing out of his bag, put them in his breast pockets then tossed his bag up onto his bunk. Next he grabbed his performance boots made of soft medium grey leather and pulled them on. They nearly came up to his knee, had two inch heels, and had the card suit symbols as studs set in a diamond pattern on the outer side of each boot.

Hisoka then hopped to his feet and tapped his boots in place before bolting for the door. He threw open the door and nearly crashed right into Abaki who was standing just on the other side. Hisoka had to grab the door frame to stop so suddenly and Abaki grabbed him by the shoulders in a surprised response.

“Oh!” she gasped, “There you are! Kana was looking for you, you two will be starting in just a few minutes, come on!”

Before Hisoka even had a chance to respond Akabi grabbed him by the hand and started running down the hall towards the stairs with him in tow. Hisoka was grateful he had been able to pull himself back together when he had, he did not want his one of two friends to see him in the unstable state he had been in.

Without hesitation Abaki ran down the flight of stairs while still holding his hand and made a beeline for the door. As soon as they got outside and to the harbor, Hisoka was astounded by the amount of people that had come to see the little side shows. He could feel a small surge of adrenaline from excitement and anticipation start to flow in his veins. Abaki released his hand and pointed in a direction through the crowds.

“Kana should be over there finishing getting ready. You better hurry! I have to get to my group, break a leg!” She then turned and started to push through the crowd in the opposite direction she had pointed. 

As Hisoka started to make his way through he barely heard Abaki shout out to him, “Oh! Hisoka! Meet me back here when you’re done and we can walk along the beach for shells!”

Not sure if his friend could see him, the redheaded teen simply reached up and waved his hand above his head to confirm he had heard her. He then continued pushing through the crowd in the direction Abaki had told him to go. After a couple minutes, he breached the mass of people and stepped in the empty circular space that they had formed around his trainer.

Magikana was dressed wonderfully in her full performance attire. She wore a scarlet satin tunic with open billowy sleeves and black velvet lycra leggings. A set of black card suit symbols went down the front of her tunic. On her shoulders was a black shawl with a high collar and bright silvery embroidery along with silver card suit symbols. On the underside of the shawl was a vibrant yellow satin material with more card suit patterns. Her boots were the same as Hisoka’s minus the fact they were black instead of grey. A vibrant yellow top hat with a dark blue top and red and black card suit symbols encircling near the base completed the outfit.

The magician straightened up from leaning over her chest of supplies and gave her trainee a small frown. She mouthed the words “you are late”. In response Hisoka gave a sheepish grin and shrugged. She looked like she was about to say more but stopped herself as she looked over his face carefully. After a moment she pressed her lips tightly together and gave him a single nod followed by the signal to get the show started. 

Hisoka’s smile became genuine as his heart began to race with excitement and he turned to face the crowd. He then began to announce as loudly and clearly as possible, “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! ♣ You are about to be tantalizingly wonderfied and mind numbingly mystified by the greatest magic show Moritintio’s Traveling Circus has to offer. ♢” As he spoke he swept his hands and arms gracefully through the air while practically dancing along the edge of the crowd, drawing everyone’s eyes to him. 

“Introducing the lady of mystery and mistress of the arts of magic and illusions, the one and only, Magikana! ♡” Hisoka turned and made a sweeping gesture towards Magikana’s back, and in doing so, delivered everyone’s attention over to her.

Magikana twirled in place so that she now faced her apprentice. She made a wide, sweeping bow towards the crowd. Standing up smiled out to the crowd and started to walk forward.

“Zank you, my dear, for zat marvelous intro-” Magikana suddenly tripped and stumbled over her own feet. Hisoka winced as people around the crowd began to snicker.

“Ah ha, v-vell,” Magikana stuttered as she straightened back up and smiled nervously. “Ve all make mistake, yes?” She pulled out a deck of playing cards seemingly out of thin air and began to shuffle them. “Now, for my first trick I-” 

She was cut off again as the cards suddenly flew from her hand and all about the ground. A look of horror came across her face as Hisoka brought a hand up to cover his face in shame. People began to laugh and boo as Magikana stood there and nervously chewed a fingernail.

Just as it looked like people were about to leave, a sly, mysterious smile spread across Magikana’s wide, thin lips and a mischievous glint flashed in her eyes. She twirled in place and let out a cry as she came down into a wide stanced crouch and slapped one palm down upon the ground. As soon as she did, each card that was laying on the ground suddenly burst into small clouds of different colored smoke. From the smoke flew out two to three pink and red hemotropic butterflies. The startled crowd made noises of awe as they watched the butterflies flit about before heading towards the inn the troupe was staying in.

“Now zat I have your undivided attention,” Magikana crowed, shuffling yet another deck of cards that had mysteriously appeared in her hands, “Zee real show can begin!”

With that, time went by in a blur. Both Magikana and Hisoka put on a glamorous show that kept people guessing for days; looking back and wondering just how objects seemingly appeared out of thin air or floated about, defying gravity. Before long, the donation box Hisoka would periodically work around the edge of the crowd was fit to burst.

In a little over an hours time the show was over and people were slowly departing. Magikana and Hisoka were cleaning up their area when she looked over at her young apprentice and smiled.

“You did very vell tonight, little vun,” she praised, “I vas concerned at first, I could tell you had been upset. Everything is okay now, yes?”

Hisoka opened his mouth to respond but decided against his words. He then simply smiled and nodded instead. Magikana gave him a warm, sympathetic look.

“You know, you can alvays talk to me, my deary,” she said gently. “You are like nephew to me, I vill alvays have time to listen to you.”

 _Yes, that may be true, but you may not like what you hear…_ ♠ Hisoka thought bitterly to himself. _And if you knew the truth about me, would you still call me your nephew?_ ♣

“I will be sure to keep that in mind, sensei, thank you. ♡” His words and appreciation were genuine, but Magikana could tell something was still being kept from her. She let out a soft sigh and changed the subject.

“Night is still young, you have plans?”

“Actually, I do. Abaki asked me to join her to collect shells along the beach. ♡”

“Ah, zat sounds vunderful. And moonlight is good enough for such venture.” Magikana then made a shooing gesture with her hand. “Go zen, I vill get zee rest.”

Hisoka hesitated as there was still quite a bit of cleanup to do.

“Are you sure? ♣”

She nodded, “Yes, little vun should go and have fun vith friend. Ah! But if you see starfish, bring back for me. Add to collection.”

Hisoka smirked, nodded, then turned and headed towards the direction he was supposed to meet Abaki.

The crowds were still thick as the other shows had also ended. People milled about as they were slowly making their own way while conversing about what they had just seen. Hisoka decided to move to the outer edge of the crowd and work his way up along so that the buildings and alleys were to his left and the masses of people to his right. This made movement a little easier.

He was in good spirits now, the emotional traumas he experienced not that long ago were pushed far back into the recesses of his mind. And he looked forward to a nice moonlit walk on the beach with his friend. 

_Perhaps I can convince Abaki to ask Camilla to join us. That would_ _really_ _rub Jasper the wrong way.~_ ♡ Hisoka chuckled at his own thoughts. 

Unfortunately, Hisoka’s divided attention between his own thoughts and avoiding the crowds streaming past had caused him to not pay enough attention to the narrow alleys he was passing. A large, strong hand reached out and grabbed him by the wrist, retching him into the ally and throwing him down on the filthy ground a couple meters in.

Even though mildly stunned, Hisoka was quick to get back onto his feet only to receive a blow to the stomach. The redheaded teen gagged and stumbled a few steps back. Through watering eyes he looked up to see Jasper standing tall with a look of triumph and malice. 

“Hello, _twink_ ,” he sneered. “I overheard Abaki saying she was to meet you after the shows. I _knew_ you two were more than friends. Does she know you’re just leading her on?”

“Why?~ ♣” Hisoka smirked and straightened up more, still holding one hand to his stomach, “Are you jealous, Jasper? I’m sorry to say this, but, you’re just not my type.~ ♠” 

Jasper sneered in disgust at Hisoka using Abaki’s own words at him. But Hisoka wasn’t done.

“Besides, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense. Why would I lead Abaki on if I were gay? ♣”

Jasper hesitated before he gave a triumphant grin and pointed at Hisoka.

“It’s because you want more to be like you!”

“Oh?~ ♣”

“Yeah! Being gay is messed up and you don’t want to be alone, that’s why you’ve corrupted Abaki!”

Hisoka couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. He popped a hip and moved his hand from his stomach to that hip. 

“You poor homophobic fool,~ ♠” he chuckled and shook his head. “Abaki was interested in girls for quite some time _before_ I even showed up. She told me herself. ♡And, if I recall correctly, she’s told you the same. ♣”

“You’re lying,” Jasper snarled. He balled his hands into tight fists of anger. 

“Oh? Am I now? ♣ Or are you just too naive and stubborn to face the truth that Abaki isn’t in you? And that, in fact, the girl you like is interested in your sister instead?~ ♡”

“Shut up,” Jasper spat, “you shut your filthy queer mouth right now!”

Hisoka’s smile became mischievous. He enjoyed upsetting Jasper to no end and wanted to push him even further.

“And, if you ask me, it would appear your sister likes Aba-”

“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” 

Jasper charged Hisoka in a fit of rage. Hisoka simply smirked as Jasper had played right into Hisoka’s hands. As Jasper threw a punch aimed for Hisoka’s face, Hisoka easily sidestepped the blow and brought his elbow down on the back of Jasper’s neck as hard as he could.

If the blow to the back of Jasper’s neck hadn’t rendered him unconscious, then the harsh impact of his face meeting the hard ground did. Hisoka snickered at the unconscious Jasper now at his feet. 

“Pathetic,” he sighed, “I expected a better fight from you than that.~ ♠”

As he was about to turn and walk out of the alley when something caught Hisoka’s attention. Jasper’s hands, they were smaller than the hand that had grabbed him and threw him into the alley. 

Just as Hisoka realized this there was noise of movement behind him. He started to spin around and attempted to put up his nen in defense, but he wasn’t fast enough. Without seeing who his surprise attacker was, Hisoka felt a sudden sharp pain to the back of his head and everything went dark.


	4. On Death's Doorstep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka finds himself back in familiar company from his past. Is this all real? Or is he dreaming? Perhaps even... dead? The only thing that quickly becomes clear is that the redhaired teen is most definitely not safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, blood, gore definition, mild violence, nightmares, mental trauma, mentions/suggestions of trauma, mental instability, panic attack, rot/decay, self harm, strangulation, near death experience, unintentional/accidental suicide, death rattle

**_ Hisoka _ **

A warm, bright light slowly penetrated Hisoka's closed eyelids, steadily rousing his conscious mind. He could tell he was laying on something soft and was covered with some sort of blanket. Keeping his eyes closed, he attempted to shift his position to get more comfortable only to be greeted with a wave of intense pain. He winced and hissed through his teeth, he felt as though his entire body had been trampled by a herd of stampeding horses.

Having been overcome with such a great amount of pain so quickly, his muscle tensed and cramped, making matters all the worse. He swallowed hard and felt his brow furrow as he tried to focus on making his muscles relax. It was a slow and exhausting process.

The sound of someone walking on soft flooring close by caught his attention. Whomever it was shuffled right up beside him and stood silently next to him. Before he could speak, a warm hand lightly lay on Hisoka's sweaty forehead as though checking his temperature. After a moment, it began to gently stroke his head, brushing his damp hair away from his forehead. The act was soothing, and Hisoka could feel himself start to relax and take some of the edge off the pain.

"I'm sorry, baby, that last one was really rough with you, wasn't he..."

Upon hearing his mother's soft, tender voice, Hisoka felt as though he had downed an entire bucket of ice water; ice and all. He forced himself to suppress a shiver when chills ran down his back and he felt himself nod in response. Confusion trickled into Hisoka's brain, was this a dream? Or was he dead, too? How come the pain felt so real? If he was dead and now in the afterlife with his mother or simply dreaming of her, he shouldn't feel this kind of pain, right?

"Am I-" ♣ his voice cracked, sounding hoarse and brittle. He licked his lips and found that they were dry and cracked. He then realized he was horribly thirsty as if he hadn't drank anything in days.

"Water," ♠ he pleaded in a croaked whisper.

His mother loosed a pain filled sigh, "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but the water was shut off again. I'll have to leave to try and find some." The soft rustle of clothing indicated his mother was starting to move away to do just that.

Hisoka shook his head, causing it to throb and spin behind his eyelids. Everything hurt so _badly_ , it made him feel weak and vulnerable. He didn't want to be left alone, even if it meant the company of someone he hated. He feebly reached out to where he had heard his mother's voice coming from. His arm shook and ached as he reached for her.

After a hesitant moment, he could feel her soft, warm hands gently wrap around his own. He sensed her draw close; the movement was followed by a tender, motherly kiss placed upon his brow. Her actions made a tight ache form in Hisoka's chest. How he wished that this could have been his mother all the time. Loving, caring, gentle. He knew all too well this facade was only the beauty that hid her venom.

He slowly opened his eyes, his vision was a little blurry but he could see her sitting there beside him in her pale green bathrobe. Hisoka guessed she had just recently gotten out of the shower since her hair was up in a towel. The warm light that filled the little apartment they shared was brighter than normal and gave their surroundings a very fuzzy and surreal feeling.

Hisoka tried to recall how he could have possibly gotten here. His brow furrowed again as he struggled to remember the most recent past events.

_I was with the troupe, we reached Dolle, we got to the inn, Jasper harassed Aba- Wait! ♠_ Hisoka's eyes narrowed as flashes of being pulled into an alley darted through his mind. He could see and hear Jasper talking to him, and the brief scuffle they had. Then someone was behind Hisoka, but the broken stream of memories ended there.

Hisoka felt a sinking sensation within the pit of his stomach. He licked his lips once more and tried to swallow before he spoke, "Am.. Am I dead? ♠" 

His mother gave him a sorrowful look, "Oh, sweetie, no no, you're not dead." She let go of his hand with one of hers and began to stroke his head again.

"You must feel awful, I told that last one to be gentle with you. I'm so sorry sweetie."

Her tone had become sickeningly sweet with empty apologies. Hisoka's nose wrinkled as a wave of disgust washed over him. He pulled his hand away from hers and looked away, yet she continued to stroke his head.

"You always did say you were sorry, mother," he barely croaked in a rough, broken voice, "but you never did anything to prevent it." ♠

The hand that had been stroking his head stopped and slowly pulled away. There was a heavy silence for a few minutes before he heard his mother sigh.

"You're right, I'm a terrible mother. I should have done more to love and protect you."

A scowl started to form on Hisoka's face yet he did not respond to her. Another heavy silence, one that grew uneasy with every tick of the second hand in the clock on the wall.

After a while, Hisoka finally broke the silence, "Do not expect me to disagree with you..." ♣

He could hear her shuffle and shift uncomfortably beside him.

"I didn't- I mean, I know..." She trailed off and Hisoka snickered at her pathetic attempts.

His anger and disgust with his mother was starting to override his pain and dissipate the fog in his mind. It gave him new energy to say the things he had wanted to for so long.

"You knew perfectly well what you were doing," ♠ he snarled, glaring at the back of the couch he was laying on, "Yet you never did anything to fix it. Your own pleasures were always more important than me. ♣ Even though you could see what it was doing to me and what I was being put through you-"

Hisoka stopped his tirade, he could sense something was wrong. The warm light that had been filling the room started to fade away and the air around him had become cold and heavy. His mother's breathing changed, becoming thick and ragged.

"I know," her voice rasped, barely above a hoarse whisper, "I know I was a horrible mother. No, a horrible _person_. But Hiso, my son, my love, did I really deserve... this?"

Hisoka hesitated, dreading what he would see. The air had become so heavy he could barely breathe as the room continued to descend into darkness. He slowly turned his head to look back at his mother. What he saw caused him to open his mouth wide in a silent scream and desperately attempt recoil to further into the couch.

All color had drained away from his mother's flesh. A horizontal slit appeared in the middle of her throat. The wound wept crimson rivers as it began to yawn wider and wider. He could see muscles, tendons, and trachea seemingly rot away at a frighteningly rapid pace. Hisoka tried to scramble away but his battered and bruised body failed him while his decaying mother leaned forward and slowly began to reach for him with both hands

"Tell me, please sweetie, did mommy deserve to die like that? Did you really have to kill me?"

As she spoke her lips started to rot and pull away exposing her teeth and gums. Her cheeks became sunken as her eyes fell back into her head, leaving empty withering voids that bore into Hisoka's tortured soul. She wrapped both of her rotting hands around her son's throat and began to squeeze, cutting off the precious oxygen his body so desperately required to sustain life.

Hisoka began to thrash and tear at the arms in a frantic and desperate attempt to pull death's hands away from his throat. His actions were futile as he only managed to tear away large handfuls of rotting flesh leaving behind exposed bone. His mind was in full panic, he couldn't breathe to scream and his eyes were blown wide, staring into those voids in his mother's now skeletal face. She drew closer, slowly descending upon him as she chanted over and over.

"Hisoka, why did you do this? Why did you do this to me? I'm your mother. Hisoka? Hisoka! Hisoka! Hisoka!"

**_ Abaki _ **

"Hisoka? Hisoka! Hisoka wake up!" Abaki cried out to her unconscious friend who now thrashed around in his bed and wasn't breathing as his own hands were wrapped tightly around his throat. She desperately tried to pry Hisoka's hands away to free his airway but couldn't get a good enough grip.

She watched in horror as his usually pale, freckled face started to change to an angry shade of red and his lips began to turn blue. Shaking her head, Abaki turned and bolted for the door. Flinging it wide open, she screamed out into the hall, "HELP! PLEASE, SOMEONE, ANYONE, HELP! IT'S HISOKA!"

She looked back over her shoulder, tears of fright were streaming down her face. Terror gripped her heart as she feared she was going to lose her closest friend. That she was going to watch him die right in front of her, unable to help.

Within seconds, Abaki could hear doors opening and hurried footsteps rushing in her direction. The first to the door was Magikana, barefooted and in her long sleeping gown.

"Abaki vaht-" the magician's gaze darted from the frightened girl to the thrashing, dying boy. Her already wide eyes grew even wider as she pushed passed Abaki and made a beeline for her apprentice. As she made it to Hisoka's side, another showed up at the door in boxers, a tank top, and socks. It was the juggler that had seen Hisoka before the sideshows. His eyes grew wide with shock amd concern as he took in what was going on.

"Do not just stand zere, Zane, hold him still for me!" Magikana snapped, struggling to hold Hisoka down the best she could. The juggler blinked then rushed over to help. He barely managed to grab hold of Hisoka's legs to pin them down.

"Kids stro- OOF!" Zane was cut short when Hisoka unconsciously delivered a hard kick to Zane's gut, knocking the wind out of him a bit.

The next person who appeared at the room's door was Moritonio in a house robe. With a quick look he immediately understood the dire circumstances, grabbed Abaki's wrist, and made his way towards the others.

"Come girl," he instructed calmly, "we'll need your help, too."

Moritonio drug a dazed Abaki with him over to the bedside opposite Magikana, nearly tripping over her own feet in the process. Zane was now laying over Hisoka's struggling legs, keeping them pinned to the bed.

"Press your hands on his chest, Abaki, try and keep him still as best as you can," the troupe leader ordered, "Kana, hold his shoulders, I'll try and pry away his hands."

"Be careful as to not break his neck," she warned as she adjusted her position and pressed Hisoka's shoulders down into the mattress.

Just as Moritonio took hold of Hisoka's wrists he noticed the boy's thrashing had diminished greatly, becoming nothing more than feeble twitches. A sense of dread washed over him as he realized what was happening.

"Hisoka?" The boy's hands were still wrapped tightly around his own throat. Moritonio strained to carefully pull Hisoka's hands away. As he did so, Hisoka's nails drug across his own flesh leaving behind bright red trails in their wake. The moment his airway was free, a strange gurgling sound started to emit from the trainee's throat. The adults grew pale as Moritonio felt for a pulse. After a moment, he looked up at Magikana and shook his head.

Abaki's chest grew tight and it felt like her heart had stopped. Her eyes grew wide and became brimmed with tears, gaze falling upon her friend's face, "H-Hisoka?"

At the sound of her voice, Moritonio glanced over at Abaki and his eyebrows suddenly shot up; an idea came to mind. He looked back to Magikana who seemingly heard the ringleader's thoughts and she nodded. The magician then snapped her fingers at Zane to draw his attention away from the poor boy and onto her,

"Quick, fetch zee doctor, ve vill do vaht ve can."

Without question, Zane nodded and bolted out the door. As soon as he was gone Moritonio looked back to Abaki once more.

"Abaki. Abaki!" The traumatized girl jumped a little and turned her focus to her troupe leader and nen master. "Listen to me carefully, Hisoka's heart has stopped as well as his other bodily functions. We could try to resuscitate him, but Kana and myself are not familiar with the methods and may make matters worse trying. However, we need to try _something_ , and I may have just the thing. I want you to emit a small amount of energy into his body. Give it a jump start."

Abaki blinked a few times, she was in a mild state of shock, "W-what? You want me to..." She looked down at her friend's lifeless body and nearly broke down. Magikana turned swiftly and grabbed the girl by the shoulders, shaking her just enough to snap the trainee's attention to the magician.

"Listen carefully, if ve are to save Hisoka," she said in a cool, calm yet stern voice, "ve need you to listen to vingleader, okay?" Abaki nodded with a sniffle before looking over to her nen master.

"O-okay, what do you need me to do?"

"Place your dominant hand here," Moritonio instructed, pointing to an area of Hisoka's chest just over his heart. Abaki hesitated, but only for a moment, then she leaned forward and rested her hand lightly on his still chest. Her lip quivered but she kept it together and looked back up at her nen master.

"Okay, what's next?"

Moritonio spoke clearly and quickly as he explained to Abaki to move her nen to her hand. Once she had done that, she was to slowly and carefully emit her nen into Hisoka's fading residual nen. Abaki was terrified, she knew there were so many ways this could go wrong. She could accidentally force too much nen into her friend causing organs to be ruptured and bones crushed. Or she could completely fry his nervous system rendering him brain dead. She could even damage his aura nodes and cause him to become nenless.

Tears started to spill from her eyes again when those horrid thoughts threatened to cloud her mind. She gave her head a little shake and bit her lip to help maintain focus. She understood why Moritonio was having her do this instead of himself. Emitting nen would flow smoother from a person who is naturally an emitter. With Moritonio being a transmuter, the task would most likely be more dangerous even though he was the more experienced nen user. The fact that her and Hisoka had been training their nen together for the past several weeks and were more intune with each other's nen was another positive factor.

Abaki bit her lip a little harder as she felt the strain of her efforts start to fatigue her body. She had no idea how much time had passed. Seconds? Minutes? Or had it been hours? She honestly felt as though it had been the latter. Her eyes having been shut during most of the process, she wasn't even sure if Magikana and Moritonio were still there.

_Hisoka, please,_ _wake up_ _,_ her heart and mind pleaded as one. She pictured his warm, mischievous smile as he teased her about her crush on Camilla. Those sparkling amber eyes filled with life and excitement as he showed off his nen and magic tricks. She couldn't picture him any other way. This cold, still, lifeless body she was mixing her nen with was not, no, _could not_ , be her friend.

Her brow furrowed and her jaw tensed all the more as she pushed those happy memories of their short lived friendship down through her nen and into his. She now tasted blood coming from her abused lip, but she didn't care.

_Hiso, I'm not giving up on you. Wake up. Wake. Up._ _NOW_ _!_

Abaki gave her waning nen a gentle but firm push in a last attempt to save her friend. The last of her nen energy that she could spare. She gasped and would have collapsed onto Hisoka if not for Magikana catching her and holding her upright.

Her vision had begun to blur from over use of her nen, but she could see her friends' still, lifeless face. Moritonio checked for a pulse once again. After a moment his shoulders drooped and the look on his face became sad and grim.

"H-Hiso?" Abaki whimpered. She began to reach towards him with trembling fingers when all of a sudden his entire body jerked.

Abaki cried out in frightened surprise as Magikana pulled her back in sheer reaction; even Moritonio jumped back. Hisoka threw his head back into his pillows and his back arched greatly, lungs hungrily sucking in a massive breath. His bloodshot eyes were now wide open and possessed a frightened, feral look.

When Hisoka started to flail again, Moritonio quickly stepped forward and grabbed the trainee's wrists in case he were to hurt himself again.

"You're alright, boy," Moritonio calmly stated, "no need to thrash about, you're safe. Nothing and no one here is going to harm you. You're among friends."

Hisoka blinked several times, pupils so constricted they were barely visible within their golden irises. He was obviously confused, not to mention terrified. He seemed to slowly recognize the older man as he began to settle down. Moritonio let go of Hisoka's wrists and slowly backed away a bit to give the boy a little more room to breathe. And breathe he did, for he was alive and now conscious to the waking world.

Abaki let out a choked sob as an enormous wave of relief washed over her. She wanted to rush forward and hug her friend, but Magikana held her back. A task not too difficult since the girl was now quite weak herself.

"Is best to let him rest, yes? Little one still has injuries."

Abaki glanced up at the magician and saw that, she too, had tears in her eyes and her lower lip trembled ever so slightly. She looked back at Hisoka then reached out and gingerly took her friends hand. She winced a little at just how cold his usually warm hands had gotten. The touch made Hisoka look in Abaki's direction. His gaze was a little unfocused, and he still seemed a bit confused. He blinked a couple times before he attempted to speak.

"Aba-" Hisoka, Magikana, and Abaki all winced in unison at the sound of Hisoka's voice. Broken, dry, hoarse, it sounded painfully horrible. Hisoka lightly touched his throat with his free hand then jerked it away with a ragged hiss. He then looked over to Magikana with a muddled expression.

"Is bit of story," she sighed softly, reaching over and gently brushing the red raspberry hair out of the eyes of her apprentice. "Rest now, you are safe. Doctor should be here any minute now."

As soon as the magician finished her sentence, a huffing, red faced Zane magically appeared through the door with an exhausted looking woman in tow. She wore medium length salt and pepper hair up in a messy bun, wore glasses, and carried a doctor's bag.

"S-sorry it- *pant* took so long," Zane puffed, "She was *pant* asleep."

"Well," the doctor mumbled under her breath, "it _is_ the middle of the night." She spotted Hisoka and adjusted her glasses as she walked towards him. Moritonio stepped back to give the women more room while Magikana and Abaki stuck close on the opposite side.

She instantly frowned upon a closer look at Hisoka and looked back over at the ringleader.

"Is this the same boy that was attacked in the alley a couple days ago?" she asked, carefully tilting Hisoka's head up to get a better look at his neck.

"Yes," Moritonio answered plainly.

"These are not the injuries my colleague told me about, these are fresh," she glowered at the marks on Hisoka's neck and snapped her head back round angrily. "What happened to him? Who did this?"

"It would appear that while the boy was in comatose he had a horrendous nightmare," the ringleader explained calmly. "He's been mumbling and talking in his sleep throughout most of this past day. We figured he would soon wake up, but instead, he attacked himself. He strangled himself to the point of losing consciousness once more, as well as he had stopped breathing."

The doctor's face paled a few shades and even more serious, something Abaki had not thought possible just a moment ago.

"Heartbeat?" Moritonio slowly shook his head.

"How long?" she further inquired.

"Close to thirty minutes I'd say."

The doctor's frown depended and she continued her exam. She checked his eyes and listened to his vocal cords, heart, and lungs. Once that was done, she asked Hisoka to do some simple motor function tests which he completed relatively well. Abaki held Hisoka's hand while the doctor worked, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze whenever Hisoka flinched or seemed uncomfortable. She was relieved to feel the warmth returning to his fingers.

When the doctor lifted his shirt, Hisoka's eyes blew wide with surprise. His attention was drawn to the vast collection of bruises and bandages all over his body as well as the ones on his arms and legs. He looked over at Magikana and Abaki. His trainer frowned and shook her head slightly, silently mouthing the words, "vill explain later".

Finally the doctor sighed, removed her stethoscope and placed it back into her black bag.

"Well," she started in a tired voice, "his vocal cords and trachea are damaged, but not to the point of needing hospital care, thankfully. The rest of his injuries seem to be coming along nicely; and quickly, might I add. But he will still need at least two weeks of bed rest, plenty of good food, and lots of water. You want to have him stretch a couple times a day so his muscles don't stay stiff all the time. It'll help up blood flow and healing as well. I will be back to check on him in a week, but call me or my colleague if anything strange starts to arise. Not breathing or having a heartbeat that long, I am honestly surprised he's doing as well as he is, all things considered."

"Thank you, doctor," Morintonio replied solemnly.

Abaki noticed the older man frowning at the doctor's news and how he exchanged looks with Magikana. This was an issue, the troupe was supposed to have been in the next town by now, but due to the recent events things had been put on hold. To put travels on hold for another two weeks could prove to be devastating to the troupe's finances.

Moritonio motioned for Magikana to come with him as he walked with Zane and the doctor outside the room. She nodded then gently brushed Hisoka's hair once more.

"Rest, little vun, I vill explain everyzing in zee morning." Hisoka frowned a little as he looked over his trainer's face. He then sighed through his nose and weakly nodded his head. She produced a tired smile and gently ruffled his already messy hair. Before she left, she retrieved two blue sports drinks from a nearby grocery bag and handed one to Abaki and Hisoka each.

"Both of you, drink, rest," she instructed then focused on Abaki, "Stay viz him, I vill be back as soon as I can be." And with that she left the room.

Abaki shifted her position so she could lean back against the headboard to rest more comfortably. She watched as Hisoka opened his bottle and chugged down over half of the blue liquid in one go, wincing from the pain as he swallowed.

Once Hisoka drank his fill, he pulled the bottle away from his dry, cracked lips and took a large, shaky breath. He looked over to Abaki and the two friends stared in silence.

_I wonder if he knows that he nearly died. Well, I guess he actually did die. At least for a short bit there. Should we tell him if he doesn't know? Or would it be better left not telling him? I'm not sure if I would want to know that I did something like that to myself without knowing._

Her mind continued to wander as she carefully examined the red haired teen. His dark and sunken blood shot eyes, messy hair, bruised and scratched face, then finally the freshly forming brushes on his neck. She felt her lips twitch as she surprised a grin and snorted through her nose.

Hisoka blinked and opened his mouth to question her but quickly thought better of it. Instead, he closed his mouth and tilted his head, giving Abaki a look of inquiry.

She couldn't help it, a wry, exhausted smile lightly danced across her lips as she said to her friend, "Hiso, you look like shit..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for reading my story and I really hope you liked the chapter. If you did, please remember to leave a Kudos if you haven't already, and pass word along of this story! I do apologize for the long wait on this chapter, life just gets crazy sometimes, yah know?
> 
> Also, I wanna add that if you are feeling down, depressed, unstable, or think that you could cause harm to yourself or even others, please, please, please reach out and get help. Whether it be friends, family, or even someone from a help service, someone out there does does care about you and you do, in fact, matter! As a survivor of attempted suicide, and one who deals with Bi-Polar I Depression, I know that the battle can seem tough, endless, and just down right exhausting. I know that asking for help can be tough and scary, but the first step to anything worth while usually is. 
> 
> With that said, I again thank you for reading, and please take care of yourself. Get lots of rest, sunshine, exercise, and drink plenty of water! Until next, laters!


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